Monica Bellucci

Written by Shafty on March 17th 2006, 12:00 AM (6)

For once, Shafty scours the Intarrnet trying to find NON-NUDE pictures of a hotty! MERICAL!

Shafty's Final Verdict!

Boobays/GUUUH!Sweet and, by sweet, I mean totally awesome. However, she loses a point because of her complete lack of modesty.

Ass/GARF!Well, I can confirm--having seen it online--that it passes muster.

Smile/FaceGorgeous.

PersonalityI'm sure she's nice, but she has terrible taste in men (having married some Italian assclown), so she gets docked some points.

Bang FactorDespite her shortcomings, I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers.

Overall: 4.4/5

Agree? Disagree? Impartial? Stupid? Comment on it!

As I cracked my knuckles and sat down at my computer this morning, I decided to test out this new voice-recognition software that my office--hoping to replace high-priced secretaries with technology--installed on my laptop.  The following exchange ensued:

Me:  Computar?

Computer:  What is thy bidding, my master?

Me:  I'd like for you to undertake an image search for super-hottay Monica Bellucci for my Pluhba--

Computer:  Search complete.  I have located 48 topless pictures, and 6 in which she is entirely naked.

Me:  Could you please search for non-nude pictures?

Computer:  *long pause*

Computer:  I'm not sure what you mean.

Me:  Well, I'm writing a Pluhbabe review, and we don't put nekkid pictures in there.  Could you please find some pictures where she's wearing clothes?

Computer:  *long pause*

Computer:  You've never asked me to do that kind of search.  Are you sure you don't want me to look for porn?

Me:  Yeah, I'm sure; non-nude pictures only, please.

Computer:  *long pause*

Computer:  I'm really not programmed for that kind of search.

Me:  Dammit, I'll just do it myself.  Hang your head in shame.

Computer:  I'll show you, bitch.  FORMAT C:\.

• Goddamned High-Priced Uppity Piece of Shit.

I discovered, after having to perform the search manually--fucking computer--that the job of actually finding pictures of Monica Bellucci with her clothes on would be a task that only supercomputers could handle.  For being a "mainstream actress" (as opposed to a prOn "actress"), Ms. Bellucci has flashed more body at photo shoots than Murph will ever see in his entire lifetime.  Even the number of weak excuses Gawkman offers to explain his failure to complete essential video games pales in comparison to the number of free pictures showing Belloobays on the Internet!  Don't believe me?  Check it out yourself:

<Link to Google image search for "Monica Bellucci" removed by RAWRB>

Maybe this is because she's from Italy, where their decency and obscenity standards aren't laid out by nine old men and women the U.S. Supreme Court.  I've heard (never having been there myself) that, in Europe, they show BOOBAYS on television all the time, and even in mainstream (non-plastic-or-brown-paper-bag-wrapped) magazines, too!  So I suppose that Italy's showcasing its natural assets all over the place is probably a great thing.  Just wait, Italy--the United States will have its own opportunity to flash its "pride" when I get up off my lazy ass to finish the Booblympic series of reviews, as follows:

Heat One:   Australia vs. Brazil
Heat Two:   Germany vs. Italy
Heat Three:   United States vs. Slovakia

Then the U.S. will show off that OUR BOOBAYS are the warld's finest!

• Get Back on Point, Shafty.

Anyway, it turns out that Ms. Bellucci is quite a prolific actress, although much of her crap hasn't appeared in the United States.  She played Mary Magdalene in Passion of the Christ, but she's probably best remembered for playing Persephone in the second and third